Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

“If…” Humor

If a listener nods his head when you’re explaining your program, wake him up.

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

If an item is advertised as “under $50”, you can bet it’s not $19.95.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If at first you don’t succeed, transform your dataset.

If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.

If at first you don’t succeed, well…darn.

If at first you don’t succeed, you probably didn’t really care anyway.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.

If at first you don’t succeed, your successor will.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what is going on.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If it works, don’t fix it!

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn’t a law, there will be.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren’t lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you’re doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

This and more from The Joke Archives!

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Her Interior Angle

By: Twilit ^ ^

There’s no way that I can focus in math class when she’s sitting right there, right in front of me. What I wouldn’t give to be her interior angle! And why oh why could we not at least be perpendicular lines that meet up just once? Nope, we just had to be parallel lines which, for the record, never ever intersect. Geometry has taught me so much.

Stupid algebra. Why bother with all these x’s and y’s anyways? Right now I’m much more interested in getting to know a certain someone with only x chromosomes. So much simpler right? Not. Damn it.

It was as if I existed in a 3D world and she in a 2D one! No chance of her ever truly seeing me or the extent of my desires. Yet I was so sure that we were meant for each other. I needed her in order to understand my own parametric equation: she was like the normal vector to my plane in my little 3D world.

IFF I could only gather the courage to talk to her, she would surely fall madly in love with me too! But whenever I’m even close to walking tangent to her personal bubble, my heartbeat increases exponentially, approaching infinity like a secant graph nearing the point π/2.

Alas, perhaps she was an m-by-n matrix while I was an o-by-p one: no chances of us ever multiplying. And sadly, the probability of her noticing me is still about one out of nine hundred ninety-nine factorial so I should probably just give up.

And focus.

As if.


Happy Spring Break!



 Funny Math Problems/ Pictures

371722903_7c7247a2f9.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

371722998_fd43cd239e_o.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

matrix_transform.png picture by xtaintedwatersx

371722924_4828281113_o.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

question4.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

371722884_a8d1da8f44_o.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

find_x_equation.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

question3.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

Saying.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

371723025_d5769c9b24_o.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

sqrt2.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

complexnumbers.png picture by xtaintedwatersx

proof_2equal1.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

371723041_9f5eb359d4_o.gif picture by xtaintedwatersx

pi.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

winerProof5-20.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

432Bfoiled2Bagain.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

mathproof.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

pandamath.jpg picture by xtaintedwatersx

More Math Jokes: http://www.mitadmissions.org/topics/misc/miscellaneous/everybody_loves_a_math_joke.shtml

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Schindler’s List



“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” —Groucho Marx

“Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.” —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

“The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then get elected and prove it.” —P.J. O’Rourke, Parliament of Whores

“The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bullshit.” —Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist

“Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.” —Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the
politicians as a joke.” —Will Rogers

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex…uh…setbacks.” —George Bush, Sr.

“She’s a wonderful, wonderful person, and we’re looking to a happy and wonderful night — ah, life.” —Sen. Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancee, Victoria Reggie

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” —Ronald Reagan

“If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head.” —Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

“There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and…evil.” —Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” —Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

“I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands.” –George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008

“It depends on what the meaning of the words ‘is’ is.” –Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair

“What’s a man got to do to get in the top fifty?” –Bill Clinton, reacting to a survey of journalists that ranked the Monica Lewinsky scandal as the 53rd most significant story of the century

“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” –Bill Clinton

“You’d think he was running for First Lady.” –Bill Clinton, on George H. W. Bush’s criticism of Hillary Clinton

“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?” —Marion Barry

“A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that’s what freedom is all about.” —Newt Gingrich, speaking at the 1996 Republican Convention

“They don’t call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing.” —Ted Kennedy

“This president is not interested in being a good president. He’s interested in some complicated psychological situation that he has with his father.” –Howard Dean

“Now that we’re on dog pee, we can have an interesting conversation about that. I do not recommend drinking urine…but if you drink water straight from the river, you have a greater chance of getting an infection than you do if you drink urine.” –Howard Dean teaching an eight-grade science class in La Crosse, Wisconsin

“In a recent fire Bob Dole’s library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.” —Jack Kemp

“Ozone Man, Ozone. He’s crazy, way out, far out, man.” —George Bush, Sr., speaking about Al Gore during the 1992 presidential campaign

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?…I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'” —George Bush, Sr., speaking to a group of students about drug abuse

“You know, the Republicans are not very friendly to different kinds of people. They’re a pretty monolithic party. Pretty much, they all behave the same, and they all look the same. … It’s pretty much a white Christian party.” –Howard Dean speaking about the lack of outreach to minority communities by political parties

“You cannot be president of the United States if you don’t have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can’t be. And we are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for — don’t cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care.” —George Bush, Sr., speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary

“I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.” —Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking at Harvard

“Please don’t ask me to do that which I’ve just said I’m not going to do, because you’re burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering.” —George Bush, Sr.

“Last night was the final Democratic debate. … I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he’s so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word ‘Massachusetts’ twice and then mispronounced the word ‘filibuster.’ Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush.” –Conan O’Brien

“I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around.” —George Bush, Sr.

“He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” —Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush, Sr.

“People would say, ‘We need a man on the ticket.” —Rep. Pat Schroeder, on why George Bush was unlikely to choose a woman as his running mate in 1988

“Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, ‘Did we catch ’em?’ –Seth Meyers

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”—Republican Rep Claudine Schneider on something Dan Quayle would be likely to say

“There are lots more people in the House. I don’t know exactly — I’ve never counted, but at least a couple hundred.” —Dan Quayle, on the difference between the House and Senate

“Did the training wheels fall off?” –-after being told by reporters that President Bush took a tumble during a bike ride –John Kerry

“Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances.” –John Kerry

“You’d be amazed at the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men’s room. It’s the most bizarre part of this entire thing.” –John Kerry

“I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we’ve had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two.” –John Kerry

“I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy — make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.” –John Kerry

“We crossed paths. Are there pictures of us dancing on a bar together? No. I don’t have that.” –-John Kerry on his run-ins with George W. Bush at Yale

“George Bush is a walking contradiction, a walking barrel of broken promises. As the phrase goes, Houston, we’ve got a problem.” –John Kerry

“I’ve been having problems with the right wing lately.” –John Kerry after undergoing surgery on his right shoulder

“My friends, that’s trickle-down economics, and I believe every worker in America is tired of being trickled on by George W. Bush” –John Kerry

“During last night’s Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he’s running for president” –Conan O’Brien

“Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.” –Jay Leno

“Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries” —Ronald Reagan

“I’ve looked on many women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me.” —Jimmy Carter, in an interview with Playboy one month prior to the 1976 election

“All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.” —Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

“If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream.” —Barry Goldwater

“Well, there was no sex for 14 days.” —California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

“I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality.” –President Bush

“This is the man who wants to be the Commander in Chief of our U.S. Armed Forces? U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?” —Sen. Zell Miller, attacking Sen. John Kerry in his GOP convention speech

“Well, here’s an update. Since the election, that gay couple I knew in the red states? They’ve moved back to the blue states.” — Barack Obama, joking about his Democratic Convention speech, in which he said that “we coach Little League in the blue states and we have some gay friends in the red states”

“I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a ‘deserter.’ What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants.” —Filmmaker Michael Moore

“People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, ‘How do you think I got the job?'” —Vice President Dick Cheney

“It really gets me when the critics say I haven’t done enough for the economy,” he said. “I mean, look what I’ve done for the book publishing industry. You’ve heard some of the titles. ‘Big Lies,’ ‘The Lies of George W. Bush,’ ‘The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.’ I’d like to tell you I’ve read each of these books, but that’d be a lie.” —President Bush, at the White House Correspondents Dinner

“To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don’t be economic girlie men!” —California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, at the Republican convention

“I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark, fed with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?” —Sen. John McCain

“The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library” –Conan O’Brien

“Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” –Jay Leno

“Rudy Giuliani … now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, ‘Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor … when the world was attacked … on 9/11?'” –Jon Stewart

“Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo — those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.” –Bill Maher

In my White House, we will know who wears the pantsuits.” –Hillary Clinton, on the role her husband will play in her administration

“When we were in college we used to take a popcorn popper — because that was the only thing they would let us have in the dorms — and fry squirrels in the popcorn popper.” –Mike Huckabee, completely freaking us out

“I don’t want to be invited to the family hunting party.” –Sen. Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins

“During an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. When Dick Cheney found out, he said, ‘I knew there was something creepy about that guy.'” –Conan O’Brien

“I will conduct a respectful debate. Now, it will be dispirited — it will be spirited — because there are stark differences. I am a proud conservative, liberal Republica– conservative Republican…Hello? Easy there.” –John McCain

“I think I’d just commit suicide.” –John McCain in October 2006, on the prospects of the Democrats taking back the Senate in the November election

“Only an a**hole would put together a budget like this … I wouldn’t call you an a**hole unless you really were an a**hole.” –John McCain to Budget Committee Chairman and fellow Repulican Sen. Pete Domenici, during a Senate budget hearing

“I said, ‘The nice thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to hide your own Easter eggs.'” –John McCain

“Thanks for the question, you little jerk.” –John McCain after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him.

“I’m a little late. I bumped by head and broke my hair.” –Mitt Romney at the 2007 Gridiron dinner

“This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse.” –Jay Leno

“We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” –Ann Coulter, arguing that it would be better if we were all Christian

“My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions.” –The Decider, George W. Bush

“It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.” –Jay Leno

“I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it’s going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it’s a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.” –Jay Leno

“This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word ‘change’ one more time, I’m going to change the channel. … Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, ‘I love change. Change is good. Who doesn’t like change? Whatever I just said, I’d like to change that.'” –Bill Maher

“In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals, like in your country.” –Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, addressing the United Nations

“We’re kicking ass.” –President George W. Bush, on the security situation in Iraq, to Australia Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile, Sydney, Australia, Sept. 5, 2007

“I’ve got God’s shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I’ll bet I’ve shed more tears than you can count, as president.” –President George W. Bush, as quoted by author Robert Draper in Dead Certain

“We Bushes cry easily.” –President George Bush Sr., in 1989

“He’s too snore-y and stinky, they don’t want to ever get into bed with him.” –Michelle Obama, on her daughters’ refusal to crawl into bed in the morning with her husband Barack

“I would have to…investigate more of Bill’s dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother.” –Barack Obama on whether Bill Clinton was “our first black president”

“It’s like I was shot out of a cannon. I’m so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse.” –Barack Obama from his speech at the 2005 Gridiron dinner

“Well, President Bush said he wanted to export American-style democracy and, by God, I think it’s working.” –Barack Obama on the controversial Ukraine election

“I’ve tried to explain how it works these days. First comes the invasion, and then billions in aid.” –Barack Obama on excitement in his father’s native Kenya that his election would mean the building of billions of dollars in new roads, bridges, hospitals, and schools in their country

“(The pundits) said you can’t win in a year like this with a name like Obama. There was quite a bit of confusion at first, but it did get me free airtime on Al Jazeera.” –Barack Obama from his speech at the 2005 Gridiron dinner

“It’s been a great ride. But I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean.” –Barack Obama from his speech at the 2005 Gridiron dinner

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.” –Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Caitlin Upton, after being asked why 1/5th of Americans can’t locate the U.S on a world map.

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.” –Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, on why he strapped his dog to the roof his car

“Friends, the press and the government are in bed together in an embrace so intimate and wrong, they could spoon on a twin mattress and still have room for Ted Koppel. Journalists used to questions the reasons for war and expose abuse of power. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 News. Demand more of your government. Demand more of your press.” –Kent Brockman, on The Simpsons

“As you know, my position is clear — I’m the Commander Guy.” –George W. Bush, the president formerly known as “The Decider”

“Maybe we should ask Barack if he’s comfortable or needs another pillow.” –Hillary Clinton during a debate with Barack Obama, referring to a Saturday Night Live skit as evidence of a pro-Obama media bias

“I could stand up here and say, ‘Let’s just get everybody together, let’s get unified, the sky will open, the light will come down, celestial choirs will be singing, and everyone will know we should do the right thing and the world will be perfect.” –Hillary Clinton mocking Barack Obama

“I had something picked out for you, too – a little IED (improvised explosive device) to put on your desk.” –John McCain to Jon Stewart

“You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” –John McCain

“It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush.” –Hillary Clinton

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard the maiden flight of Hill-Force One. My name is Hillary and I am so pleased to have most of you on board. FAA regulations prohibit the use of any cell phones, Blackberries, or wireless devices that may be used to transmit a negative story about me.” –Hillary Clinton playing flight attendant aboard her campaign plane

“Well, that hurts my feelings.” –Hillary Clinton on why voters like Barack Obama better

“Frankly, Mr. Mayor, I think your new hairstyle is the right way to go. After all, in Washington, the coverup is always worse than the truth.” –Hillary Clinton to Rudy Giuliani, after he gave up his combover

“There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods today.” –John McCain prior to visiting a Baghdad market while being flanked by 22 soldiers, 10 armored Humvees, and two Apache attack helicopters

“In the Clinton administration, we used to say in eight years, we’ve added more than 22 million new jobs. You guys could say: ‘Since 1993, our country has created 19 million new jobs.'” –Hillary Clinton offering the Bush administration a lesson in campaign spin at the 2004 Gridiron dinner

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” –Hillary Clinton

“In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart.” –Hillary Clinton

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” –President George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” –President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

“I’m a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There’s a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane.” –George W. Bush, New Orleans, March 1, 2007

“And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.” –George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

“I heard somebody say, ‘Where’s (Nelson) Mandela?’ Well, Mandela’s dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.” –George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007

Last but not least, here’s a poem composed entirely of actual quotes from President George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher (A Collection of Bushisms)

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

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Similes to Make You Smile : )

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Want more fun?  Here’s a guide to marketing!

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and
say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” – That’s Direct

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to h er and pointing at
you says:
“He’s very rich. Marry him.” – That’s Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and
get her telephone number. The next day, you call and
say: “Hi, I’m
very rich. Marry me.” – That’s Telemarketing

4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a
drink, you open
the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after
she drops it, offer
her ride and then say:”By the way, I’m rich. Will you
marry me?” – That’s
Public Relations

5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and
says: “You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?” –
That’s Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face. –
That’s Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to
her husband. – That’s
demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell
her: “I’m rich. Will you
marry me?” and she goes with him – That’s
competition eating into your
market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before
you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife
arrives. – That’s restriction for
entering new markets

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