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Archive for February 27th, 2008

Similes to Make You Smile : )

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Want more fun?  Here’s a guide to marketing!

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and
say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” – That’s Direct
Marketing

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to h er and pointing at
you says:
“He’s very rich. Marry him.” – That’s Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and
get her telephone number. The next day, you call and
say: “Hi, I’m
very rich. Marry me.” – That’s Telemarketing

4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a
drink, you open
the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after
she drops it, offer
her ride and then say:”By the way, I’m rich. Will you
marry me?” – That’s
Public Relations

5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and
says: “You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?” –
That’s Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face. –
That’s Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to
her husband. – That’s
demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell
her: “I’m rich. Will you
marry me?” and she goes with him – That’s
competition eating into your
market share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before
you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife
arrives. – That’s restriction for
entering new markets

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